Ten Activities for Retired People

Three close friends of mine recently retired. Yes, I am horribly jealous, but besides that I believe it is important for them and any other retiree to stay active. So I present to you ten activities for the newly retired;

1. Erie canal path tollbooth attendant. Due to a recent influx of FF runners/walkers, Hilton people, dog walkers and other miscreants, booths will be set up near Henpeck Park, Union St. Bridge in Spencerport and Adams Basin. The retirees will collect $2 from each person to use our path. We need coverage from 7am-6pm Monday-Friday and 7am-11am on weekends. Sals began using this path 25 years ago, when it was really a dirt trail barely wide enough for two people. It is OUR path!
2. Free lawn care. Why should I mow my lawn when all of these retirees are available? Think of the exercise they could get. Retirees would be doing the working people a favor. We will supply a step counter to provide motivation.
3. It's fall in upstate NY, which means leaves, lots and lots of leaves falling. Raking is a valuable service. In our little village the leaves don't even need to be bagged, just brought up to the curb. More exercise and fresh air!
4. Book club reader. Sometimes it is difficult for those of us still with jobs to complete whatever book has been chosen for our club to read. Retirees have loads of reading time. They read the book and prepare discussions freeing me up to concentrate on the food and wine/beer at our meetings.
5. Traffic control. From 4-6:30pm Monday-Friday Main St. in our village is a traffic jam, with lines of cars more than a mile to get through the village. It's become worse over the past couple of years and needs to stop. The retiree will stand at the intersection of rt. 31 and Union and direct every other driver to the east towards Gillette or west to Trimmer so our village isn't continually abused. I can't get across the street when running without being scared of getting hit by a car. Ridiculous. It's probably those Hilton people again heading home!
6. Significant Other flower delivery. Retirees should feel obligated to grow pretty flowers year-round then deliver cuttings once a week to homes. With this service it would help make some husbands still appear romantic.
7. Food Delivery/Chef. Why should I, a working man, have to prepare meals every night? Retirees can cook the meal and deliver to homes, sort of like Meals-On-Wheels for the elderly. Of course I would pay for the ingredients, but not the cooking or delivery.
And 3 more - by an anonymous author:

8. Crime concealment technician. After the wife of this author reads the list the retirees should aid in the covering of what would surely be a capital crime. Body hiding could be on the canal or near the yellow line on Union St. in the village.

9. Political advisors. It seems that once one retires they become experts on public policy. The first step is to write down all of the world problem solutions that are yelled at the TV and told to their working spouse before he has a chance to run to the kitchen and stick his head in the fridge.

10. Entertainment coordinator. With free time during the day, Geva tickets, TV recording schedules, and weekend race arrangements can be procured leisurely on the veranda with their laptops and bon bons.

Top 10 Reasons Why Joanne Should Retire, too.

Joanne, one of the Sals executive committee members, should also consider retiring in light of Lou, her husband, recently announcing he intends to depart the world of work. Of course there are ten reasons why this is a good idea (credit Mike W for these):

1. Lou home alone! What if those 2 Christmas bandits break out of jail?

2. Lou and Teddy constant companions. I am thinking there could be some doggies damaged.

3. Lou doing the cooking and cleaning. Holy Board of Health, Batman!

4. If Joanne is not at home who will be around for Lou to not tell things to?

5. They don’t need Joanne’s pension anyways. Lou has a million $ in his 401 and all that bottled water in his trunk.

6. If Lou isn’t supervised he may try to fix something around the house.

7. After a week of retirement there will be a flat screen in every room in the house.

8. Lou might resume his successful professional gambler career.

9. Lou might go out and buy a pit bull or Doberman.

10. Last reason, without Joanne home …pajamas 24/7.

Lou A Buffalo Bill?

Sals runner Lou K. has announced his retirement from the real world of work. This change won't take effect for awhile, but we need to have plans in place for Lou's transition to a life of leisure. I see the Buffalo Bills needing Lou to quarterback the team next season. Why? Well, there are ten reasons of course:
1. Lou has the Ryan Fitzpatrick look-alike beard going for him, what Bills fan among us doesn't long for the days of Ryan?

2. Lou will be retired and have plenty of time to travel with the team

3. Lou has his passport and can play the “home” game in Toronto

4. Last year the Bills paid QB Tavaris Jackson over $1 million to not get dressed for games and hold a clipboard. Lou will do this for $500k, a bargain.

5. Lou is a local phenom and will be great for ticket sales

6. He will be a father figure to the Buffalo Jills cheerleaders

7. Lou will get his friends/family a suite and limo rides to all home games (and one in Miami where the sun shines)

8. Lou may not be able to throw a pass like Brett Favre, but he can scramble in the backfield tiring out the fat defensive linemen, then hand the ball to Spiller

9. Lou is great at pumping up bike tires, the same skill can be used for all the footballs during training sessions

10. The Bills haven’t made playoffs in 12 years, do you really think having Lou as QB will ruin their season record?


Lou already commented on these facts, stating; " I can do the 40 in under 9 seconds and am deadly accurate passer to anyone within 6 feet. I will do all this just for #7 , plus free parking".

Old Age

This morning it hit me that I am the second oldest full-time librarian at MCC and the oldest has just two years on me (there are twelve librarians). Four librarians are 1-5 years younger. See, I don't usually think of myself as being 54. Just to write that year for my age seems wrong. Most of the time I feel, oh, maybe mid-30's, which is goofy since I have a 31 year old daughter.

I am 10 months from my new age group for running races (triathlons already count me as a 55 year old). My father retired from Kodak at 55, one of the smart ones who saved his money well and got a sweet deal to leave in 1985. The pension doesn't go quite as far today for him, but still is a nice security blanket. Plus, at 80 in February, his big expense is golf in the summer and some bowling in the winter.

In November of this year I will have 20 years with NY State Teacher's retirement and be 55, so the percentage of my fixed pension goes up, to a whopping $15k a year or so. Yup, I'm one of those possible retirees sucking all your tax dollars away with my huge pension! LOL. The longer I work for NYS, the higher this pension goes, of course. It is nice, so don't think I'm knocking having a fixed retirement income, but obviously I'm not retiring on 15k a year and no medical insurance.

Here are my options for the end of 2011;
1. Stay at MCC in same position or a new one?
2. Take my 15k/year and find a new job with decent pay and benefits.
3. Make Jan continue to work, take my pension and become a house-husband (LOL-this is not an option)
4. Move to a state with less taxes, take the pension, find benefits, work part-time.
5. Jan and I become bicycle hobos. We sell and/or store our furniture, cars, house and travel till we can't or don't want to anymore. Then we...?
6. Write the next great American novel, Tom Hanks buys the rights to make it into a movie and we retire fat and rich.
7. Win PowerBall.
That's all I've got right now. Let me know if anyone reading this has ideas.